Lowland League, New Central Park, 27/8/19
Kelty Hearts Football Club
Founded; 1975
Nickname; The Hearts, The Maroon Machine
Honours; East of Scotland Football League-2017/18, East of Scotland Superleague-2014/15 and 2016/17
Current Division; Lowland League
Random Fact; The highest win for the club is 14-0 and has been achieved three times v Burghead Thistle, Lochore Welfare and Kirkaldy YM
A random last minute decision to head to Fife was brought on by the bloody excellent weather the day had brought to the country. This and the fact with the new Aberdeen bypass Kelty isn’t actually that far away these days and is just under the two hour mark from my Garioch abode.
Even with the wee man getting the obligatory turnstile lift I couldn’t bring it on myself to want the hosts to win. The first reason being as we got into New Central Park, the Stone Roses were blaring out of the stentorian tannoy. Whoever Sally Cinnamon was, I hope she is dead for spawning such a terrible discord by the overrated Mancs . The second being Barry Ferguson.
Unfortunately for me Barry Ferguson has his team playing some excellent fitba. They kept the ball well all game and were on the attack at every opportunity. Spartans were shell shocked going by the body language as the game went on. A disappointment for Wee Man who was telling me all the way there that Spartans were going to win. (having seen Blyth Spartans and another team called Spartans in a couple of months of each other blows a four year olds mind for the record)
Kelty started on the front foot from the off shooting towards their “Ultras” who were made up of around ten, ten year olds with a couple of drums and a megaphone. The first goal went in at the quarter of an hour mark and was from poor defending where Carstairs was left with a free header from a corner. Kelty continued to attack and forward Nathan Austin was gifted a goal when the a mix up between the Spartans defence and keeper left the big striker to header over the Spartans number one who was caught in no mans land leaving the Edinburgh side a lot to do after the half.
As I saw more goals in this Kelty team I managed to persuade Wee Man to swap ends. Quite the feat as he is such a boy of routine he always wants to stay in the same place during a game. But with the bribe of a bag of Salt n Vinegar we switched ends during the break. It was a good idea as we got ourselves another three goals right in front of us. The third and killer goal came from a ridiculous and controversial decision. The Spartans defender being adjudged of pushing the Keltys Russell who if is to go down under that challenge he is a lightweight fairy. Then the controversial bit. The linesman held his flag in purgatory between decisions, penalty and throw in. He eventually opted for the throw but after seeing the ref being harangued he called the ref over and told him it was a penalty despite awarding the throw to Kelty, quite frankly a fucking pish piece of officiating and bollocks decision to boot. Austin stepped up and made it a brace for himself sending the kick down the middle of the goal. Straight away Spartans found themselves four to the bad, and again conceding after poor defending. After a half assed clearing header from a cross, Husband was on hand to half volley an arrowed low strike into the bottom corner. A very decent effort that miraculously found its way through a cluster of bodies, which even if the keeper had seen it I doubt he would have got there. Two minutes later Kelty rubbed further salt in to the wounds with the only goal that was not avoidable from a Spartans point of view when the aforementioned lightweight fairy Russell hit a superb strike from range into the top corner. This ensuring the bulk of the decent sized crowd went home happy.
The rest of the game was filled up with some silly challenges picking up daft bookings and Spartans looking like they wanted to be anywhere but New Central Park. 5-0 but could have been less if that makes sense. But Kelty well deserved of the win as they did get the ball down and play great fitba and the attacking spirit they played in is something seriously lacking in the game these days. Maybe Barry Ferguson might get another crack at league management soon enough as I’m sure the Hearts will be there or there abouts come playoff time. I hope not due to his allegiances and wankery in his playing career. But also because plastic pitches can bugger off. But it cannot be denied that the Maroon Machine are a club going places.
Me 158 Wee Man 31
FITBAWBAG 